Being Infertile . . . My Ovaries Don’t Like Me

Photo source: Health Magazine

This is a painful one to write and one I would have preferred to leave in the furthest corner of my mind, so I never have to face it. However, it’s starting to bother me again and since this is my personal blog I thought it would be good to write it out, maybe someone is in a similar situation.

In January 2021, I visited the gynecologist for my irregular periods, this was my third or fourth visit but with a new doctor this time around, however, I was complaining about the same problem; my periods were too irregular. I was a late bloomer for puberty, my first period came around age 11 and never returned until age 14, I would bleed for 2 weeks to 3 months straight then wouldn’t see my period again until 6 or so months later until one day, they just stop coming.

One gynecologist said, I was young so my periods would regularize by my 20’s or maybe after having a child whenever that time came around, another said I had a hormonal imbalance and prescribed birth control that only worked for a few months then contributed to a surge in my weight gain. The last gynecologist I visited was a female and she said this is definitely looking like PCOS and my ovaries are refusing to ovulate. . . that was enough to make me cry, for days.

I never had this desire, urge or calling to be a mother, when I was younger I would tell God I didn’t want children, my parents weren’t the best introduction to parenthood for me and I was afraid I’d be a bad mother. It wasn’t until I was home alone during the pandemic that I realize I would like to leave something more personal in this world, more than just college degrees, a house, car or self-published books. The idea of raising a kind-hearted human to use their light to shine through darkness, appealed to me.

However, when the doctor confirmed what I already knew . . . I felt defeated and I really wanted to know why my body didn’t want to do something that was supposed to be basic instinct or natural to it. I’ve been attempting to make lifestyle changes because my doctor advised me that losing weight and other changes can help regulate my periods; I’ve been trying and some progress is being made but is it enough?

Some women with PCOS can have children if they exhaust their resources and options but the risk is high, and the disappointment is even higher if you aren’t able to conceive.; I don’t want that disappoint or feeling like something is wrong with me.

Half of me has accepted the fact that I will never conceive and adoption when the time is right will be my go-to option while the other half of me believes when the right person comes along it will happen for me. This makes the idea of finding a long-term partner more difficult for me because when do you tell someone you can’t have children? On the first date or when y’all are 3 months out of the talking stage?

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable being single. I’m happy with adoption but what if I never find a partner who shares the same sentiments. I think a lot about these things, my mom is heartbroken, there are moments when I can see it on her face especially since all her sisters are ‘glammas’ as they’ve coined themselves.

Photo source: unknown

7 thoughts on “Being Infertile . . . My Ovaries Don’t Like Me

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  1. You are a brave woman who dare to bare her thoughts and feelings 👍🏻💝👍🏻..From my last 25 years of trying to find out why things happen as they occur, comfort has come to me because I discovered from numerous sources that there’s always an underlying spiritual reason. I have shared much information of what I have learned in my own blog and book. Personally, I don’t think you need to purposely leave anything physical behind for the world to remember you… not even starting a family of your own. From the higher vantage point, just by having this human experience and making peace with the world is good enough. You are more loved by the higher forces of the Universe, than you could ever imagine. I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true. Be kind to yourself.. always. All the best.✌🏻💕✌🏻

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Let me just say this made me smile and thank you so much for your kind words! I like to say and think everything happens for a reason, God knows why he does all things so I try not to over think or worry (most times I do though). You are right this human experience and making peace with the world should be enough, I recently told someone that if I died I’d be happy in a sense because I’ve done the important things.
      I’ll have to check your blog out, thank you once again for your beautiful words, it was deeply appreciated💕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank for sharing this post. It must have been very difficult but it may also help others. I am in my mid 30s, married and childless. We can not have children but we are so happy together and I wouldn’t change it for the world. It can be tough but trust me there are benefits to being childless. You will find someone who loves you for you. And you never know what your future can hold. There are so many options. Keep your head up, stay brave and trust that whatever happens in life you can handle.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I’m a little teary after reading this😢 I’m almost at a point where I can accept it, I think writing about it and getting it off my chest is a step in the right direction. There are many benefits and it’s definitely not the end of the road for me.
      Thank you for this comment, it was comforting and much needed💕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for being brave enough to share this! I found out I was diagnosed with PCOS at 21. I cried as soon as I got home because the thought of never being able to have children of my own was terrifying.

    I’ll be 29 in a few months and it is still difficult for me. Not sure yet if I can or can’t have children but my doctor has already indicated I’ll need fertility treatment.

    All this to say you’re not alone in this battle and I know someone else who is a similar position will come across this post and find some hope and solace in it. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your story, it feels so good to hear from someone who is going through the same thing😢😢 I was reading a blog last night about being motherless and I kept thinking “this is going to be me”, I don’t want to think negative but the older I get, the more that thought gets louder.

      I hope with fertility treatment that you’ll be able to conceive if that’s your desire cause I know weighing the pros and cons can change your mind 💛

      It feels good to know I’m not alone in this battle!

      Liked by 1 person

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