I haven’t journaled in 4 or 5 days so I’m mentally cluttered and I woke up today in the worst mood because of it and other things. Journaling really saved my mental health, writing my emotions on paper has helped me stay sane and cope during this time of uncertainty but this temporary job makes me so tired at the end of the day! By the time I get home I just want to bathe, eat my dinner, spare 2 hours to talk to close friends/family and get in at least 2 hours of Spanish before I unwilling fall asleep.
I wrote this post on Samsung Notes during my lunch break today so I could publish it after I get home, yes it’s that bad.
So let’s unpack some mental stuff, I’m not independent (at least from my perspective), I’m too dependent on certain things and a specific person, my mom. My first introduction to people pleasing started with her, she’s the one human on this earth that I always try to do everything she asks but there have been moments when she said yes and I had to say no and I didn’t back down. This week I didn’t say no even though I should have.
If you’ve been reading my blog long enough, you already know I’ve been trying to set healthy boundaries and reduce my level of people pleasing and dependence but it hasn’t been working with my mom. I wish I could set clear boundaries but I can’t, I’m too dependent on her for certain things so there is no room for negotiations and I can’t stand the guilt that’s attached to me saying “no”. So I went to bed in a bad mood because I’m mad at myself, woke up in an awful state and I had this terrible sauce with my chicken meal for lunch, commuting is slowly killing me and I’m still not built for customer service.
I crave independence in all its best forms.Girl in Her Twenties
With so much dampening my mood, I just want to be in a body of water, drifting with a blank mind and some Snoh Aalegra in the background; I need to go to the beach.
I also need to set better boundaries.